Words by: Whitney Brielle
Photographer - Kenneth Tini
Model: Martinez
Agency: Filthy Mouth Creative

This past Valentines’ Day, I spent swaddled in lace cheekys. Because they’re sexy? No. Because my PVC pants I wore to NYFW gave me ass pimples? Yes. I’m here to report with brutal honesty, on one of my favorite trends still rockin' strong in 2020—PVC. Stretchy, sexy—Dangerous AF.

Poly Vinyl Chloride, (PVC) is a “synthetic thermoplastic material made by polymerizing vinyl chloride.” (Collins English Dictionary) Sound complicated? It is. (And not just in how to wear these shiny wonders. Plastic wrappin that booty is hard work.)

So plastic wrapped goodies look fine AF, but it can also cause you to retain heat like Mt. Vesuvius and sweat in places you didn’t know you had. Plastic can’t breathe like other porous materials, (e.g. cotton or silk). It also has the potential to become a bacterial breeding ground more fertile than your 8th grade lab Petre dish.

But don’t let these horrors detour you. Plastic attire can be a-ok if you follow some simple steps for proper care. Read on.

Whitney Brielle’s PLASTIC WEAR CARE TO AVOID ASS PIMPLES & OTHER STRANGE BACTERIAL GENERATED SURPRISES

After a night of exuberant wear, remove clothing before slumber. (Don’t be a dumb bih and pass out with your pants on.)
Upon removel of garment, turn wrong side out and clean with sanitary solution. (If you’re too piss drunk, at least turn garment wrong side out and hang over a breathable surface—chair, shower rail, possibly your now vapid brain….)
When cleaning your pants, (let’s be honest—probably the next day), use a gentle antibacterial cleaner and soft cloth or sponge.
- For intermittent, or on the go sanitation—try a spray bottle filled with a dilution of water and tea tree oil. (Tea Tree oil is a great natural antibac—just dilute to avoid irritation. Your yoni, knob, and cheeks will thank you later.)
- For heavier cleaning, try warm soapy water made from a blend of liquid laundry detergent and water. Clean the inside and outside of pants. Thoroughly. Then rinse. Thoroughly. Especially the inside. ESPECIALLY. THE. INSIDE.
- After any cleaning method, the garment needs to be carefully turned wrong side out, and placed back on that breathable surface to dry. I cannot stress the importance of allowing your garments to completely dry. (Have you ever seen a moldy shower curtain? Do you want a moldy…)
For super heavy cleaning, (heaven help what the circumstances of this unruly mess were), dry cleaning or machine washing is permissible. But just know my dears, that these vinyl butt huggers will never be the same. RIP ass goodies. RIP.
After your fab fanny friends dry, (your PVC pants or other garment), hang gently on a hanger in a dry place OUT OF DIRECT SUNLIGHT. They will melt!
Last but not least, if you feel that your flossy glossies are starting to lose their sheen, try a light PVC or rubber specific polishing oil, and gently rub the exterior of the garment with a soft cloth.

Le voila—you’re now a PVC care expert. (YAY!) Like Aqua famously touted in 1997, “life in plastic, it’s fantastic.” So rage on in the pseudo bdsm trend. Be bold. Be sexy. Be shiny. Just please PLEASE be sanitary. Happy Valentine's Day. Your ass will thank you later.