Words by: Hannah Gustafson

Hannah is a stand-up comedian and writer preforming in clubs and venues all over Southern California. She often uses her cats in her stand-up acts, and with quarantine in full force, it seems her cats are her only company.

I’m at a high school football game at a studium I don’t recognize. I am drinking blue Powerade with vodka. I don’t want anyone at the game to know I’m drinking so I hide in the girls’ bathroom to find other students there. They want my drink so I share--I feel carefree and rebellious. I realize I’m wearing stolen shoes. I dive into a damp, muddy area right outside the bathroom and get dog poop on my hand. I go back to the game to find my classmate is friends with Adam Sandler. He hugs me and says “Congratulations.” I leave the shoes by a tree and walk down a hill.

8:30am: Beep. Beep. Beep. My alarm goes off. I immediately remember why I’m waking up this early--I have a phone appointment with my doctor. Harrison walks across my boobs and I wonder when the last time was I didn’t wake up to that. Andy sits on the night stand and starts chewing on the lamp shade--he knows I hate that, but at least he’s not biting my elbow like yesterday.

8:46am: I’m still lying in bed when my doctor calls and I’m happy to hear from her--her voice is calm and reassuring. The conversation is quick, and after it ends I move toward the kitchen to feed Andy and Harrison. Then I change the water in our a sad, little celery plant and return it to the window sill.

8:49am: Harrison eats a few bites before returning to sleep, this time atop a suitcase on my closet shelf where he will be for approximately 1 to 9 hours. Andy eats the rest.

9:05am: I add some raspberries and chia seeds to my oatmeal. I don’t seal the chia seed bag and it tips as I’m putting it back in the cupboard. Tiny black seeds cover the cupboard floor and countertop. I decide it will be much easier to vacuum up my mess so I leave it and return to my oatmeal. I yell at Andy to stop licking the celery plant.

9:06am: I yell at Andy to stop licking the celery plant.

9:46am: I fight the urge to go back to sleep by sitting on my comfy chaise lounge with Born Standing Up, by Steve Martin. I devour his words but feel a tinge of envy--I wonder where I’d be if I had started comedy much earlier in my life. Then I return to reality and remember that some of my best material has come from teaching and other big life events that I was meant to experience.

11:15am: I am almost finished with this brilliant memoir but my eyes feel heavy and I don’t want to miss anything. I close the book with only a few pages to go and lie down on my bed to rest.

1:54pm: I’m awake. I scroll through my social media accounts and am immediately reminded that it's all garbage. I start looking up jobs. I fall down that rabbit hole for a good 20 minutes and decide I need to update my resume. But first I want to eat. Shit! I forgot to brush my teeth earlier and I can’t eat lunch not having brushed my teeth after breakfast. This probably isn’t a great idea, since I’m about to eat, but I want to do it anyway.

2:20pm: Brush teeth

2:24pm: I am so hungry so I pull out most of what’s in my fridge: Left over spinach and kale pancake, eggs, greek yogurt, sliced strawberries, and turkey sausage. Then I see the chia seeds. I grab the vacuum sitting next to the cat tree with Harrison sitting on top. He hates the vacuum so I say, “you might want to go now.” I grab for the cord and he hauls ass to the closet.

2:30pm: I return to my food. I heat up the pancake and turkey sausage, and scramble three eggs. Then I put a big glob of yogurt on the pancake and cover that in strawberries. I eat everything in under 10 minutes.

3:00pm: I need to go downstairs to get my mail, but I don’t want to put on a bra. I cover up with a sweater even though it’s 91 degrees outside.

3:10pm: I go to the bathroom to find I’ve started my period. No wonder my boobs hurt, I ate everything in my fridge and I’m still hungry, I’m exhausted, I have a headache, I have cramps, I’m bloated, my back hurts, my acne is worse, I can’t focus, I’m second guessing my life choices, I’m irritated, I’m bored, I’m happy, I’m confused, I don’t want to do anything, I’m worried that I’ll never be able to perform live again, and I can’t poop.

3:15pm: I sit down in my pink chaise lounge to clean up my resume.

3:42pm: I’m irritated with myself because I still don’t know how to use Word 2010.

3:44pm: Creative writing time. This makes me happy and reminds me of what I’ll really be doing for a living someday.

4:15pm: Andy yells at me to let him outside. I tell him no but he’s welcome to sit with me. So he curls up at the end of the chair. I pet him and kiss him and tell him how much I love him and he jumps off the chair. He returns a few minutes later once he decides I’m done being weird.

5:13pm: “Boy’s, it’s dinner time.” They act like I just told them it’s okay to claw all the furniture and I’ll never vacuum again.

6:03pm: I’ve been working on my computer for a while so I stand up to get more water and blink.

6:30pm: I look at my kitchen and realize I haven’t put my dishes away from yesterday and I won’t be able to wash the dirty ones until I do that. So I ignore it and return to my resume. Andy and Harrison join me.

7:07pm: It’s finished. I change back to creative writing.

7:37pm: I think I’m hungry again. I contemplate ordering nachos but decide against it. I can’t tell if I’m hungry or sad.

7:45pm: I draw a bath and light a candle because I still don’t have light in my bathroom. I sit in the tub and do nothing. I eventually wash myself.

8:50pm: I decide I’m not that hungry but I should eat something. I make myself a protein shake with peanut butter, macadamia milk, a banana, spinach, and kale. First I pick out the slimy pieces and throw them in the sink with the dishes I still haven’t touched.

9:15pm: I return to my chair for some more writing. I’m surprised by my motivation--usually on day one I do very little followed by absolutely nothing.

10:08pm: I’m done writing now. I’m tired and I need to do those dishes. Seriously, it’s just me in here--there’s like four dishes. And, once I’m done with my chore, I can finish that book.
GOODNIGHT!

Keep up with all of Hannah’s work and upcoming shows (whenever we get out of quarantine)!